


Your Name

by ServantOfMischief



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Healing, It Gets Better, Miscarriage, Psychological Trauma, Trauma, Warning!, You Have Been Warned, by CCG investigators, final part of the Uta/Itori one-shots, graphic death, it's not good in the beginning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 16:13:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17511794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ServantOfMischief/pseuds/ServantOfMischief
Summary: A little over a year after confessing to Uta, Itori wakes up from a horrible dream, which in all reality is a memory she'd rather never visit again.





	Your Name

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags! It's... not nice what happens in the beginning. I'm sorry, so sorry.

Itori isn’t hurt. She smiles when Uta brings Renji over, she laughs at their banter, the name-calling that continues even after they’ve agreed to a truce and Uta’s borderline desperate attempts at bonding with the other sullen ghoul. Because it is amusing. It is an endless source of entertainment to her, it really is.

 

Or so she tells herself, because admitting that her own feelings are real is not an option viable to her right now.

 

Yet when realization dawns upon her, she feels like her whole world comes crumbling down. She can hear Uta wonder where she’s going when she leaves the hide-out, and she throws an off-handed comment over her shoulder about how she _does_ have other friends besides him which she meets regularly.

 

She crumbles against a wall a few blocks away from Uta’s hideout. The sobs wrack her body and she slumps to the ground, pulling her knees up so she can hide away as she wails. Itori doesn’t know how long she sits there, but the tear tracks are still fresh on her face when she hears footsteps. She moves to wipe them away.

 

“Itori-san? What are you doing here?” The ghoul isn’t much older than her. One of Uta’s henchmen. They call him the Fox, because of his fox-like smile, because he’s physically weak, but quick on his feet and clever. Very clever, that’s why Uta likes him, and why he’s still alive. He’s also one of the nice ones.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

“Mhm.” She smiles, because that is what she does. He frowns before a nervous chuckle escapes him.

 

“I-I guess even the sun has rainy days, huh?” It is such a corny line, and Itori can’t help but burst out laughing. He flushes a bright red, and she does her best to stifle her giggles.

 

“Yeah.” She manages to utter between her wild snickers. “Yeah I do.”

 

Foxy is a sweet guy. After that incident he visits the hideout more often, asks Itori about her day, how she’s feeling, offers to listen to whatever is troubling her. Itori thinks he’s sweet, and once he gathers up the nerve to ask her out on an outing, she agrees. She feels no reason not to, because his presence does brighten up her day, and she likes being around him.

 

Uta questions it. She tells him she’s happy.

 

“Am I not allowed to be happy, U-chan?” She teases and he shrugs.

 

“He just doesn’t seem like your type.”

 

“What would _you_ know about _my_ type?” Itori retorts. That shuts him up.

 

Foxy is sweet, funny and gentle. Itori enjoys these things about him. He, in turn, enjoys her wit and free-spirited personality. Being with Foxy makes her happy. She doesn’t believe that they’ll be together forever, nothing is that sweet and good in this world, but she enjoys the now. Because she knows he’s not strong, she doesn’t enjoy it when Uta brings Foxy along for potentially dangerous missions. Foxy knows he’s nothing like the others, but he doesn’t like it when Itori points it out either.

 

“I want to be like them. I want to protect the ward too!” He says heatedly, eyes narrowed and scowling.

 

“I don’t want you to be like them. They die. I want you to protect _me_ , and stay alive for me, because I _need you_ to stay _alive_ for me!” It is their first argument. Itori wins, because Foxy is sweet and he loves her. Itori wishes she can say the words back to him, but the closest she gets is begging him to live for her, _with_ her.

 

It is enough for him.

 

“What, did you try human food?” Uta asks as he holds her hair. She can hear the laughter in his voice, and he can hear the slight panic in hers when she answers.

 

“No, I didn’t.” Then Itori proceeds to throw up into the toilet again.

 

“… Oh.” A few weeks later they confront the Doves, and their Grim Reaper injure Renji terribly, and then he disappears with two strange ghouls no one’s ever seen before. They don’t hear from him for a long while after that.

 

“At some point you’ll have to tell Foxy.” Uta chides, pouting.

 

“Mind your own business and continue sulking.” Itori sings, tossing a pillow at him from her seat on the couch. He deflects it, but the pout remains strong on his face. Itori knows he’s right though. Foxy needs to know that she is pregnant, that it’s his child and that she is not going to keep it. It will be stupid of her to do so, because how can she care for it when she’s just a kid herself?

 

But when she tells Foxy she’s pregnant, he’s ecstatic and happy and talks on and on how nice it’ll all be and all she can do is stare at him, surprised by this reaction. And when he notices her silence he backtracks so fast and asks her what she wants.

 

And she giggles.

 

“I love you.” And Foxy looks like he’s about to cry and laugh at the same time. It’s so adorable she almost cries herself.

 

The bigger the bump grows, the more careful Foxy gets. Uta is fascinated though, and once he gets the go ahead from both parents, he starts poking her stomach, so curious it almost makes the redhead laugh.

 

“How’s Ren-chan doing?” She asks. Itori is already on her eight month, the time has flown by so quickly, and she hasn’t had the chance to see the silver-haired ghoul yet, as she has focused most of her time on Foxy and her own well-being.

 

“Fine. He’s working in some shop for helping ghouls. He promises to come by soon.” Uta answers absentmindedly.

 

“So you two can fight again?” The redhead teases and the leader of the fourth ward chuckles.

 

“He wants to see you too.” Then he pauses and pulls back, staring at her deep in thought. “Does he make you happy, Itori-san?” The question catches her off-guard, but she grins and nods, cradling her stomach.

 

“Yes, yes he does.”

 

“You’ll tell me if that changes, right?” It makes her feel warm to know Uta still cares about her, that he’s got her back because they are friends.

 

“I will.” Even though she knows what Uta truly means with his words, she agrees. She doesn’t need people who make her unhappy in her life. She tells him goodbye and moves to head towards Foxy’s tiny apartment. It’s tiny, and barely big enough for two people, but it’s cosy, and it is, now, home. She’s just a block away when she can hear the sounds of fighting. She knows better than to go investigate, but she does anyway. She should have kept walking, she should have just gone home, because if she had, perhaps everything might have turned out differently.

 

Foxy is fighting a couple of investigators, and the moment he catches her scent in the air, he’s distracted, and he looks her way, even though he knows he shouldn’t. Foxy has never been strong. He’s survived this long because he’s quick on his feet and clever. This time he’s not quick enough.

 

One of the investigators sees her chance and swings her sword, and Foxy falls. Itori, against her better judgement, lurches forward when she should have turned around and run away. She yells his name, and sees the quinque steel swing in a beautiful arc when she steps within range. She doesn’t feel it happening, doesn’t feel the sword cut through her stomach because the shock is too great, but she sees the spray of blood as her stomach is split open. The redhead falls over, hands clamouring to keep her cut skin together. It’s not working, and she can hear slow, measured footsteps edging closer. She needs to get up, she knows she does, but she sees something in her pool of blood that makes the remaining blood in her body freeze in her veins. A severed arm.

 

A tiny, severed arm with chubby little fingers.

 

The sounds that tears itself from her throat is bloodcurdling, an inhuman wail that rattles the bones of the investigators who closes in on her.

 

Itori is no longer aware of what’s happening around her. She reaches out for the little arm, yet she finds herself unable to grab it, because if she does it will all become too real. She feels hands grab at her and she screams again, thrashes, but stills when she sees blonde hair flutter by her.

 

“Itori-san! _Itori-san!”_ She can’t answer him, she’s a stuttering mess before Renji hoists her up. She loses consciousness then.

 

She awakens much later. She knows it’s been quite some time, because her stomach is mostly flat and the open wound is nothing more than a thin, white line on her skin.

 

There is no baby inside her, and Foxy is dead.

 

“Itori.” She glances over to the side, sees Renji. He looks sad, tired. She wonders why he is sad, but at the same time she has other concerns, more important matters to settle.

 

“Where is it?” Her throat is dry, and it feels like someone shoved sandpaper down her throat. It hurts to speak, her voice is raw and cracks.

 

“Itori-“ He wants to spare her the pain, she knows this, but she won’t let him.

 

“ _Where_ is it?” It hurts to speak, and she’s scared but she has to know. Renji looks uncomfortable but gets up from his seat and heads towards the door. He doesn’t leave the room, and she can smell and hear Uta right outside. They’re whispering, it almost sounds like an argument. She sits up, in no mood to cater to anyone’s need but her own.

 

“Don’t make me come over there.” Her voice is flat as stares emptily ahead. Renji moves, glares half-heartedly out the door and Uta finally enters with a bundle. He’s wrapped the baby in a towel. It’s dead, she knows this, but reaches for it anyway. It’s heavy. She never expected that. Like this, even if its skin is ashen coloured, and there is no heartbeat and it smells of death, it looks like it’s just sleeping.

 

“It’s a boy.” Uta mutters quietly when she moves to unwrap the towel. She hesitates for just a second before she unwraps him. Uta’s wrapped the severed arm with the baby, but it’s the large gash over the baby’s chest that makes her breath catch in her throat. The baby never stood a chance. Her baby. Her baby boy.

 

 _‘I did this.’_ She thinks. If she hadn’t followed the sound of fighting, if she had just gone straight to Foxy’s apartment, then perhaps Foxy would still be alive.

 

Her baby certainly would be.

 

She calmly wraps the baby in the towel again, holding it close to her chest as she breathes in deep, tries to calm down.

 

Then she screams.

 

 _“I killed them!”_ Both Renji and Uta jump startled. _“_ I did this! I killed them, I killed them, I killed them, I killed them, _I killed my baby!”_ She hunches over the still form, gasping for breath, the tears trail down her cheeks and she can’t breathe. It feels like she’s drowning.

 

Hands grab at her and she lashes out, feels her kagune break her skin and swipe after anyone close to her. She can’t hear anything over her own screams and she can barely make out her son’s face through her tears.

 

Her baby is dead and all hope of happiness and a good life is gone. The humans took it all.

 

And if Itori can’t have her happy ending, then she’ll make sure the humans can’t have theirs either.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Peach coloured eyes flutter open and limbs stretch.

 

It’s been quite some time since she ever dreamt of that time. The memories still give her a bad aftertaste. She turns in her bed and finds the other side empty. Uta didn’t come over then. Probably lost in another project of his. The redhead doesn’t feel like getting up from bed, yet staying only reminds her of her terrible dream, so she forces herself up from it.

 

She dresses herself and moves to the kitchen, finding herself some artificial food from the refrigerator. She takes one bite, and then finds herself hunched over the toilet, retching. Her first thought is that the synthetic food has gone bad, but even if that is true, she shouldn’t get sick. She and Uta tested it once when they were kids, eating a disease-ridden human who was rotting on the inside. They didn’t get sick then, she shouldn’t get sick now.

 

Her second thought… She doesn’t want to believe it because what are the odds, but just in case it is what she thinks it is, she’ll need some assistance. Once she feels like her stomach has settled, she searches for her phone and makes a call. An hour and a half later, and Touka sits by the kitchen island with a subdued Itori. The younger ghoul has never once seen the redhead so quiet, and to be quite honest, it creeps her out.

 

“I’ve been pregnant before.” Touka hopes Itori will say that she gave up that other child for adoption, but the lifeless look in her eyes tells her otherwise. “It took a long time to accept that it wasn’t my fault it… _he_ died.” Touka can’t help but flinch. She had been so afraid of losing her own child when she was pregnant with Ichika during the whole dragon-ordeal… The fear is horrible, but to actually loose the baby must be a thousand times worse.

 

“The worst part of it all is that I can’t remember the father’s name, only his moniker. Ren-chan said its trauma. I joined the Pierrot with U-chan because of that.” If there is one thing Itori actually feels guilty about, it is that she still can’t recall Foxy’s name. Perhaps it is trauma, but she thinks that having accepted what happened and moving on should have given her some inkling, some long lost memory. Apparently it is not so, because whatever Foxy’s name was, it is buried deep within her consciousness.

 

“Did you know I used to help pregnant ghouls? That’s why my apartment is so spacious, I gave them a place to hide, and helped them with food and even birthing. I’m one hell of a midwife.” Itori is rambling, but Touka lets her, thinking the older ghoul needs to get it out before she can properly process what is happening to her. Just then the door opens, and Uta enters the apartment. He sees them both by the island, eyes moving to the stick laying on paper towels between them.

 

“Do you have a _friend in need_ here, or do I have to congratulate Touka-san?” The redhead says nothing, so Touka speaks up for her.

 

“Actually, I have to congratulate you this time.” It takes about ten seconds before her words actually register in the male ghoul’s brain, Touka actually counts. The way his jaw go slack and his eyes widen just a fraction makes the younger ghoul realize that this is the most shocked and surprised she’s ever seen the former mask-maker.

 

“Thanks for that…” Itori mutters behind her as Touka slides off of the chair.

 

“Good luck, because I think Uta.exe has stopped functioning. Blue screen of death and all that.” The sassy manager says before she leaves the apartment. Uta doesn’t move, and Itori rests her head in the palm of her hand, waiting for him to shake the shock away. It takes him a while, but he finally wobbles over to take a seat across from her. He doesn’t speak first, instead waiting for Itori to start. She’s not quite sure where to start, what to say, what to even do. The worst part of it all is that she’s feeling guilty _and_ scared.

 

“I can’t remember his name.” She blurts out, and Uta raises a brow, not quite sure what she’s getting at.

 

“Who?”

 

“Foxy!” She exclaims. “I can’t remember his name.” And she feels so guilty about it, because she loved him, she really did, and she carried his baby, but then he died and their son followed shortly after and Itori can’t remember his name. Now she’s with Uta, pregnant again, and dreaming of Foxy and the good times they had and the horrible outcome of it all that set her on the path leading her to where she is now.

 

“Itori-san-“

 

“I loved him, just as much as I love you, and we got pregnant and I was happy, he was happy, we were going to be parents, we were going to be a family and I can’t remember his name!” Her expression is a mic of guilt, grief and disbelief, and Uta wonders if Itori has always been so fragile and he just never noticed. After losing Foxy and the baby, Uta never once saw her cry again, not until she confessed to him over a year ago. And after that she’s cried repeatedly, both out of happiness _and_ grief.

 

“I joined the Pierrot to get revenge for the both of them, and I can’t even remember his name, nor did I give our son a name.” She is actually very distressed about this, and Uta vividly remembers the day when Itori clutched the corpse of her baby. When her kagune lashed out, like it had a mind and will of its own, he had, for a split second, thought that both he and Renji would be killed.

 

Her kagune had left deep wounds, but they were both quick to heal and even quicker on their feet. The true challenge had been in subjugating her before things got out of control, without killing her or hurting her too much.

 

“ _I don’t remember!”_

 

“Katsuki.” She pauses, looking at Uta, who's the embodiment of calm right now. “Foxy’s name was Katsuki. And you did give your baby a name. You called him Hiro.” Ghouls suffer trauma too, and Itori’s experiences has left terrible scars on her mind.

 

“I buried them in that tiny patch of green just down the road from my shop, just like you asked me to.” Itori looks so confused and Uta realizes that maybe Itori remembers next to nothing from the days that passed after Foxy’s death. He shouldn’t be surprised. She had been in a rather catatonic state the whole time, refusing to let go of her baby, until it was time to bury it.

 

“I’ll take you there, if you want to?”

 

“Yeah, okay.” She wants to go, immediately, but she and Uta has a matter to discuss, and she tells him so.

 

“Why do we have to talk?” Uta asks and she blinks, leaning back in her seat. She did not expect that response. It is true that this is something they have not planned on, ever, but at the very least she expected him to want to discuss it, and throw in his own opinion. But apparently not.

 

“You have nothing to say about this?” She asks, and he shrugs.

 

“I think it should be your choice.”

 

“Are you seriously tossing all the responsibilities at me?” She feels like cracking his skull against the kitchen island, but he shakes his head before she can act on it. Perhaps he sensed the dangers growing, or perhaps not.

 

“I think you should make the decision, because I am not forcing you to go through a pregnancy if you’re still suffering trauma from the last time you did this.” She lowers her shoulder, tilts her head.

 

“Do you want children, U-chan?” He hums, resting his arms on the kitchen island as he ponders a bit about it.

 

“I’ve never planned on having any, not with the lifestyle I’ve led, but I am not against it either. I’ve never hated the thought, but I’ve never fought for it either. So the choice is yours. I’m with you either way.” The explanation gives her a bit more insight to what his view of the matter is. It also makes her feel better, and she can push the matter aside for a little bit.

 

“Okay then. Can you… Can you take me to their grave, U-chan?” It doesn’t feel like she’s the one actually speaking the words, and she feels a bit lightheaded when he nods. The trip feels like it’s happening in slow-motion. The train is packed, she’s pressed against Uta and a whole lot of other people, but it all feels like she’s not even there.

 

“Hey.” She blinks, looks up and sees Uta staring down at her. “Relax.” And she realizes she’s clutching onto the hem of his jacket and nearly hyperventilating. She ducks her head when she notices that people are staring, and feels Uta’s fingers comb through her hair.

 

“Are we there yet?” She asks quietly, and he nods.

 

“Yeah. Next stop. You sure about this?” She nods, because it’s been fourteen years, she has to see, has to know where to find them. She owes them that much. It might even help her find closure, the kind she apparently does not have yet. She wants to see them.

 

“I want to see them.” She mutters quietly, and he tugs her along off the train at the next stop. She knows the route, but the closer they get to his shop, the more anxious she gets. She catches his hand and holds on tight, letting him lead her down the streets until finally, they have arrived. She stares, because there is nothing to look at. No grave marker, no remains of a broken mask, nothing.

 

But then again, what had she expected? Digging and burying ghoul friends, family, allies would get you noticed by the CCG. Humans have their cemeteries, but the ghouls buried their loved ones where they knew the dead liked to be while alive. Of course, if someone ever saw you dig a grave for a fallen comrade, you’d be immediately reported to the CCG.

 

“This is it? They’re here?” What she is really asking is; has this little plot of green been dug up after their death? Are they still there?

 

“Yeah. They’re still there.” He assures her, watching her, waiting for something, any sign that he’ll have to bring her away from there, but there is nothing. Her lower lip wobbles a bit, before she turns and rests her forehead against his chest. He feel the damp wetness seep into his shirt, but there’s no shaking, no loud sobs, just quiet crying.

 

“I’m scared it’ll happen again.”

 

“It won’t happen again.” Uta tells her, knowing full well what she’s talking about. She doesn’t want to go through such a tragedy again. And he won’t let it happen either. The CCG is no more, ghouls are not being hunted just for existing anymore, she doesn’t have to fear such a scenario again.

 

“Promise me it won’t happen again.” She whimpers, and he tucks her head beneath his chin.

 

“I promise it won’t happen again.”

 

“I want it.” She admits. “I want it so badly, don’t let it be taken away from me again!” She’s shaking, and crying and is turning into a real mess, so he pulls back to make her look at him. She looks terrible, and terrified and grabs onto him like he’s her last lifeline.

 

Itori is fragile. Strong, but fragile.

 

“Itori-san, calm down. Breathe, breathe slowly.” It seems like she can’t, because she just looks more distressed. Even Itori still has things she fears.

 

“If you want the baby, then I’ll make sure you’ll be fine, okay? Literally nothing can hurt you and take it away from you this time around, do you understand?” He presses his forehead to hers, forces her to keep eye contact with him, because she can’t have a breakdown here and now.

 

“Do you hear me?”

 

“Yes.” She nods, breathing in deep. “I hear you. I hear you.”

 

“Good. Do you believe me?” She nods again. “Good. Now come on, lets go to the shop, I’ll make you some coffee.” He wraps an arm around her shoulder and leads her back up the street. She needs to get away from the world for a little bit, and Uta will just have to help her.

 

An hour later and she’s dozing on the couch, and Uta is cleaning up the mess in his kitchen. His phone rings, and he sees Renji’s name flash across the screen.

 

 _‘She couldn’t keep quiet, could she?’_ He thinks, knowing that if Renji is calling now, it is because Touka told him something she has no business in telling anyone.

 

“ _Is it true?”_ Is the first thing Renji demands before Uta can even greet him. The mask-maker wonders if he really has to have a chat with the coffee-shop manager.

 

“Hello to you too, Renji-kun.” Uta says quietly as he wrings the rag he just used to clean the counter with.

 

“ _Answer me, Uta.”_

 

“Your niece just couldn’t keep it to herself, huh?” There’s a dangerous, steely tone hiding in Uta’s voice and Renji pauses.

 

“ _Is she okay?”_

 

“I just managed to calm her down. She’s as okay as she can be, and sleeping.” Uta answers, moving a bit further away and lowering his voice.

 

“ _What are you going to do?”_

 

“We’re working on figuring it out. She just needs to think a bit about it, because it brought up a… _uncomfortable_ memory. But I got a pretty clear idea of what is going to happen, so I’ll just have to prepare for it.”

 

 _“If you guys need anything…_ ” Renji trails off, leaves the offer hanging in the air and Uta hums.

 

“Thanks for the offer. But I think we’ll manage on our own.” Itori turns on the couch, eyes fluttering and Uta tells Renji he’ll call him back later.

 

“Who’s that?” Itori asks sleepily as she rubs her eyes.

 

“Just Renji-kun. Are you feeling better?” He asks as he takes a seat on the floor in front of her.

 

“Calmer, at least. Thank you.” She murmurs and he smiles, reaching out to catch a lock of red hair.

 

“You’re welcome. Do you want to talk?”

 

“I want to set terms.” She says and he raises a thin brow.

 

“Terms? What terms?”

 

“If I am doing this, and you say you’re okay with it, you have to be with me the whole way.”

 

“Okay. I can do that.”

 

“Which means, I am going to have you with me when it actually happens. And during ultrasound-whatever it is called, because we can do that now.”

 

“Yeah, okay. Anything more?”

 

“Plenty, I just don’t want to list them up right now. Come up here.” She scoots further into the couch to give him space and he lays down beside her.

 

“This time will be different.” She says determinedly, looking down at her still flat stomach and Uta hums.

 

“I hope it’s a girl.” Itori blinks and looks up.

 

“Why?”

 

“So I get to brutally maim anyone who wants to date her.” He smiles innocently down at her and she can’t stop the snort of laughter escaping her.

 

“You’re never going to change, are you?”

 

Only a few weeks later does Renji come into Uta's shop, face ashen-coloured as his voice cracks. He's apparently going to be a father too. Itori describes Uta's gleeful answer as a squeal, a rather girlish one. 

 

"We're gonna be baby daddies together!" Itori sees the punch coming. Unfortunately, Uta does not, and seconds later there is a hole shaped like the mask-maker in his shop. The pregnant ghoul can't help but cackle at the sight. 


End file.
